In a shocking interview, it appears legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns confront a shocking rumor: which is that the band had sex with their own manager, Jerry Gold, to get him to manage them. Singer Lars Gunblade viciously denied the rumor while guitarist Vas Defrens seemed to sheepishly admit guilt.

Band Had Sex With Their Own Manager? “Bullshit!” says Gunblade

“This is total bullshit,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Whoever is floating this rumor is about to wind up dead. I’m serious. We live for rock and roll, man. That means anonymous encounters with hot chicks that we use and toss away like Kleenex. Now someone is trying to make us look bad. Not fair!”

When asked about the controversy, Jerry Gold told reporters, “Look, I’m not going to trash my band. After all, these are my boys. And when I say ‘my boys,’ I don’t mean that to sound gay or anything. Because it’s not. Not even a little. I mean, yeah, Lars and Vas can look pretty good when they’re up there sweating on stage, and if they’re wearing those really tight trousers of theirs. That just makes me human, not gay.”

Another surprising revelation in this latest interview is that the band’s groupies are simply paid prostitutes. “It’s true,” said Jerry Gold. “I pay four girls to follow them around the country and met them backstage in different cities. They’re just too stoned to realize it’s the same four girls over and over again. So they think they’re banging hundreds and hundreds of groupies. Yeah, it’s borderline pathetic. But if that keeps them happy, what’s the problem?

Lars and Vas Are “Stupid,” says Manager

“They can deny it all they want,” says Gold. “But Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens are all about sex, drugs and rock and roll. I’m not about to have them realize that no groupies are ever waiting for them backstage, especially now that they don’t allow anyone to actually attend their concerts. I mean, if no one can attend, how can any girls make it backstage? You see, Lars and Vas are just too stupid to figure that out, and that’s a perfect example of why they’re my boys. But please don’t misunderstand. I don’t want anyone to think that that sounds gay… because it’s not.”


  1. Josh Randall says:

    Ass Clowns music is all I care about. This is all bullshit. And this website sucks.

  2. Scott says:

    As a musician, I have to say that sometimes things like this are necessary. It’s not pretty but there you go.

  3. Dora Stanhope says:

    I found this website by accident and I’m truly disgusted. This band is going to hell. I’ve asked my reverend to condemn them in his prayers.

  4. Curtis B. says:

    Hi, long-time fan, first-time commenter… I drive a truck from coast to coast and I’m always listening to the Ass Clowns to keep me awake rather than all that cocaine. If I thought for a minute that they were gay, I wouldn’t listen to them. They treat women like objects and so do I. The Ass Clowns are A-1 in my book.

    • Gerald T. says:

      I’m with you. Lars and Vas are the coolest musicians out there. They aren’t nice people but so what? I always put on an Ass Clowns CD when me and some chick want to do it in the back of my pickup. It really sets the mood for cheap sex.

  5. Taffy says:

    I’ve had some weird sex with the band over the years. Believe me, they’re into some bizarre stuff. But they sure aren’t gay. Pigs, yes. Fudge packers, no.

  6. Candi J. says:

    This never happened. I’ve had sex with the band many times. They may be profoundly clumsy and unhappy to ever satisfy a woman’s needs at any time but they aren’t gay.

    • Mrs. Edith Sterling Worthington says:

      In my youth, I slept with Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens countless times. One time when they were taking turns doing me anally, I asked them if they were ever into guys. They said no. That’s good enough for me.

      • Tony the Pony says:

        If you took pictures of these sexual encounters, can you email them to me off-line? Thanks.