“Ass On Demand” by The No Talent Ass Clowns has a simple message that isn’t sitting well with some female fans. Like the “On Demand” button on your remote, the band finds that they have an “Ass On Demand” button on tour. And it gets pressed a lot.

“Hey, why do you think people want to be rock stars anyway? The money? The fame? No. It’s about the chicks, man,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “You could probably get rich selling real estate somewhere, but what good does that do you on a Saturday night? Bupkis.”

“Well, let me tell you, ‘Ass On Demand’ is sort of like the holy grail for the band,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “When we play it live, the audience is really moved. When I look out and see hot young mothers singing the chorus, it touchin’. I have to admit I kind of teared up a little.”

“Let’s be honest here. Who wouldn’t want ‘Ass On Demand’?” asked Gunblade. “I know you’re not supposed to admit that around chicks but come on. At least the band is being honest here. Give us credit for that.”

Ass On Demand: Not So Easy For Some Fans

Most Ass Clowns fans have embraced the song. “I think it’s great,” said a man who asked to be called Mr. K (although his real name is Kyle Longbaugh and he lives at 3927 Elmroyster Circle in Elmira, NY). “My wife wants to divorce me because I’ve tried to take this song’s message to heart. Turns out I haven’t had as much success as the band regarding this boy, this girl, this sex thing.”

Originally released four years ago, “Ass On Demand” showed up again on their latest CD “Pinch the Loaf.” When asked why they re-recorded the song, Gunblade grew indignant. “What kind of question is that? Artists may paint several versions of a painting. Don’t ask me any more stupid questions.”


  1. Sandra D. says:

    While I certainly agree 100% with the sentiment of the song, I find the sound to be a little too safe and radio-friendly for the Ass Clowns.

  2. Vinnie From Staten Island says:

    I told my girlfriend that I thought this song was great and she said I was a sexist pig. I told her to move out by end of day today. Ass Clowns, I’m with you on this one.

  3. Zeppo says:

    To me, this is what music is all about.

  4. Harvey Mangod says:

    Great song but I don’t like the band much. They look like assholes.

  5. Walter S. says:

    If I had ass on demand, I’d never leave the house.

  6. Merle Amos says:

    Why am I getting turned on by women who would be like 80 now?

  7. Ricky W. says:

    My girlfriend says her ass is not on demand like The Ass Clowns say it is.

    • Frank B. says:

      I beg to differ. Your girlfriend’s ass was most definitely on demand at USC. I waited in a long line to do her both ways at a frat party two years ago. She wasn’t drunk or anything. She was way, way into it. To top it off, she was listening to the Ass Clowns the whole time and singing along to “Assume the Position.” Just thought people should know, especially at that daycare center where she works these days.

      • Troll-fed by Vampires says:

        Frank, I’ll send you some video that I shot that night. The best part is when Ricky’s girlfriend takes it everywhere all at the same time. And she did that over and over for like hours. I was amazed. If anybody tells you women only do that in porno, they’re lying their nuts off. Suzette is the real deal.

        • Ricky W. says:

          Guys, I hear you. Suzette insists on putting explicit photos on the walls of our bedroom showing her having sex with dozens of guys in every possible way. I thought it was kind of cool at first but not so much anymore. Plus, my mother seems a little bothered by it when she comes to visit with that mafia boyfriend of hers.

  8. Cassandra Ex-Warrior says:

    Finally, a wholesome message in today’s music.

  9. PB & J says:

    If this band is fake, they shouldn’t be. They actually not bad when you think of a lot of real bands out there.

  10. The REAL Hammer says:

    It’s funny because it’s true.

  11. Vinnie From Staten Island says:

    I really, really like the idea behind this song.

  12. Staci A. says:

    This might as well have been the theme song for several boyfriends I’ve had and they were all assholes. For the record, I’m “on demand” for nothing.

  13. Scoopy Pugh says:

    I like the music video except for the parts that Lars and Vas are in.

  14. Walter S. says:

    When this music video came on the screen, it caused my sister-in-law to have violent seizures. The odd thing is she wanted to see it several more times even though she knew what would happen to her. That’s the definition of a fan in my book.

  15. Meat Pants says:

    This song says a lot about this band. I’ll leave it at that.

  16. Sister Anne from Texas says:

    I find this video repulsive yet oddly exciting.