A shaken Jerry Gold addressed reporters this morning shortly after being found wandering naked on a PA back road with Ass Clowns’ roadie “Rando” Miller. He seemed dazed and struggled to find words.

“There will be no free Centralia concert on August 11,” said the Ass Clowns’ manager in a low, trembling voice. “I am deeply sorry that we have disgraced the unfortunate town of Centralia, PA. Doing a concert in a deserted town above an active coal fire would have been a mistake. Sacrificing virgins during the finale would also have been inappropriate. ”

With that, Gold and Miller took off to a local hospital for some minor medical attention. Gold later texted reporters from the hospital that he and Miller had been abducted by some uneducated, buck-toothed backwoodsmen and forced to perform unnatural acts that he refused to elaborate on. Gold further stated that he and Miller were only let go after agreeing to cancel the concert.

Upon hearing the news, the band was crushed. “This sucks,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We were pumped for this. There were going to be explosions and fire. We were going to leave Centralia in flames. Now it’s all over. The state of Pennsylvania will pay for this. The No Talent Ass Clowns will never play a concert in this state again.”

“And we’ll stick to that,” added guitarist Vas Defrens, “unless there’s a lot of money involved… in which case, we would play PA again in a heartbeat.”

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

  1. michelle martz says:

    i’m glad it was cancelled, these former residents of centralia went thru hell and to have people that have no respect for the villiage and make it worse than it is already is just disgrascefull!!! i’m also glad they aren’t going to play anymore in pennsylvania, we have plenty of great talent that comes thru that won’t disrespect any community in pennsylvania!!

  2. Lew Flapp says:

    I was so sorry to hear about this concert being cancelled but I won’t stand for dickheads dissing my favorite band. The No Talent Ass Clowns rule.

    Sure, they’ve disappointed us over and over with bad concerts, hastily-recorded CDs and their famous hatred for their fans and each other, but that’s always been the draw for me.

    • Beefinator69 says:

      At a concert in 2009, the band spit on me and took my girlfriend backstage and nailed her repeatedly for hours. After that, I had a new-found respect for the Ass Clowns… although my girlfriend is no longer allowed to go to their shows.

  3. Buford Picklefeather says:

    No one is more disappointed than me. I was the person who suggested doing a concert in Centralia, PA on this very blog and the band went for it.

    It’s war now. I have been in contact with as many No Talent Ass Clowns Fan Clubs as possible to get them to shun the band and most of them are all for it. We should be able to destroy their fan base entirely if we’re lucky and cause them to break up.

    Never screw with the fans… that’s the lesson here.

    • Buford Picklefeather says:

      Just wanted to let everyone know that I’m working hard to undermine the Ass Clowns’ fan base. Doing well so far. Next, I’ll be in contact with the venues where they play and threaten fires and stuff if they don’t release the band from their concert dates. That looks promising.

      Of course, I find myself listening to Ass Clowns CDs and watching “Blow Chunks Ballet” as I plot their demise. Even though I’m plotting their total destruction, they’re still a kick-ass band.

      • Meat Pants says:

        Buford, you are one major league, grade-A, premier a-hole.

        First, you’re this annoying fan of the band who makes everyone–and I mean everyone–sick. This stupid blog used to quote you all the time and I for one always hated the way they bent down and gave you a rim job over and over again. And now you’re against the Ass Clowns. How could you turn against them? You’re a traitor to the Gods of Rock. Just try to come near an Ass Clowns concert and watch what happens. You’ve been warned.

        • Annette2783 says:

          Buford and me hooked up after an Ass Clowns concert last year. While we were doing it in his beat-up and smelly conversion van in the parking lot, he kept saying, “Pretend I’m in the band! Call me Lars or Vas. Please, baby, please!” Suddenly, he deflated and started crying for an hour as he mouthed words to Ass Clown songs. I, of course, was left unsatisfied. A real low-class act. Bet you didn’t think I was going to tell anyone about THAT, did you, Buford?

  4. Nick Ray Tummo says:

    I expected a little more backbone from a band like this. I thought they were totally bad-ass but they obviously aren’t if they can cave so easily to a bunch of local redneck preverts. Besides, how do we know any of this really happened? Maybe this is yet another attempt to give PA a black eye. Tell you what… I’m not gonna stand for it. I may be the “ass clowning” originator, but enough is enough.

    Totally done with this band.

    • Amber L. says:

      Nick, I’m with you!

      I became a fan of the Ass Clowns because they had attitude like no other band. They hate their fans and I’ve always respected that. Lars Gunblade tased me at a concert once and it was the greatest moment of my life. But now, backing out of this concert kind of shows that they aren’t the band I thought they were.

      There’s no talent in this band. Sure Carnage Smith is a great bass player. You just have to listen to the new “Express Elevator to Hell” CD to hear that. But the No Talent Ass Clowns were never about talent.

  5. Jim-Bob, Altoona says:

    Guys being raped by crazy toothless rednecks has been a problem ever since that movie “Deliverance” came out. Where is the outcry to get this sort of thing stopped?

  6. Zak T. says:

    Well… me and my friend’s wife are going to Centralia on Saturday anyway. We’ll silently remember all the great songs we didn’t hear.

  7. Fran, Shamokin PA says:

    Justice has spoken. This band played with fire and got burned. The former residents of Centralia can finally breathe a sigh of relief today, knowing their former town will not be debased by this band’s pathetic antics.

    • Mary says:

      Thats for speaking out Fran! I dont think any of us “rednecks” would allow this to happen anyway

  8. rigid tony says:

    There was no reason to cancel this concert. I’ll never listen to another No Talent Ass Clowns album again!

    • Horrible Dave says:

      I was sick of hearing about this concert. Glad it’s not happening.

      Will Jerry Gold and Rando get an apartment together now? 🙂

  9. Meat Pants says:

    Who didn’t see this coming?